Fear. It is the core of this feeling I have.
It's crippling how a fever can get me into an existential crisis. Whenever I get chills, I feel like it's gonna be the end. Whenever I get an upset stomach, I feel like I have some kind of cancer. Or, when there's a sharp pain on the right hand side of my abdomen, I always assume appendicitis, and that my appendix is gonna rupture soon, so I will start considering writing some kind of not!suicide note, just to be able to say my final thoughts in case it does decide that today is the day for me to die.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, with circulation cut off from my arms because I slept on it in a weird position. My first assumption is always "heart attack, gonna die soon, send help." I panic and seek out my parents. And they tell me I'm fine. And every time I feel guilty for worrying them. Sometimes I think my life is a sick (pun-intended) mirror of the story of the boy who cried wolf. That maybe someday my parents or people will get tired of me complaining about diseas and injuries and sickness, and then I'll get into actual trouble.
It's irritating because I sometimes spend nights where I pace around outside my home thinking, contemplating actually, what to do about the possibility of dying within the next couple of days. Maybe that's the reason why I sometimes procrastinate work, thinking that if I'm gonna die within the next days, working on these things will be useless. Why spend your last days working when you can have fun instead. This series of contemplation leads to sleeplessness, until maybe it's 2am already, and I just accept my fate of dying in my sleep. At least they say that's painless.
Ironically, as a hypochondriac, one of my biggest fears is actually going to a doctor's office, because it might verify my already present fears. Maybe they will find out that I am suffering from some debilitating disease, some terminal case that cannot be fixed. And sometimes, just assuming that you're sick seems to me a better refuge than finding out that you actually are.
I don't know if anyone will understand the struggle I have day in and day out.
This is the life of a self-proclaimed hypochondriac. I can't even tell if my diagnosis of myself as a hypochondriac continues to affirm my hypochondriasis. It's hypochondriaception.
I've learned to live with the fear. But it's a struggle. It's a chore. I'm always scared. And sometimes I don't know what to do. I thought writing about it will make me feel better. It's not. And I'm still feverish now. And I'm still hurting all over. And I don't know if it's serious enough to warrant medical attention that I so clearly want to avoid. And at the same time, there is this ever-present want to actually go to the hospital and submit myself to some kind of check-up. For the sake of presence of mind.
But as I said, I'm too scared to even do that.
***
File under: Beat#0004 - Lost in Translation - FTSE ft. FEMME (Lucky Number Music Limited)
Last.fm Popularity: 2,623 listeners
Why music bloggers would like it: Warm, rich bass textures meld with hushed male and female vocals. This ode is bleary and hazy, coupled with dazzling, sparkling production. Blippy tones in the background are a big bonus.
Why I really like it: It sounds so modern. And isn't it so hipster? Just imagine! Two thousand Last.fm listeners. That's pretty hipster to me! Love this track, from the background to the vocals!
Fave lyrics:
"Vibrations in my mind, reality is upside-down.
Sun coming up, and I should make my way home now...
I just gotta get some sleep and I'll be fine.
I just gotta get some sleep and I'll be fine."
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